:D Sympathetic Joy :D

A couple of weeks ago I got to work at my son’s preschool for the morning. It was such a different experience than his first weeks there when all 15 kids were still figuring out who they were on their own at school. Instead of a steady stream of shirt tugs for my attention, this particular morning was full of creative play, teamwork, singing, and lots of giggles. At story time I had to stop and take a mental picture (ok, I snapped some real ones too) because the ease and joy that the kids exuded was palpable. Everyone seemed so secure, happy, and relaxed together. And even though I am not an everyday member of their group, that joy was as much for me as it was for them.

That’s the great thing about happiness and joy — it doesn’t have to be our’s for us to revel and rejoice in it. In fact, sometimes, I find that this type of sympathetic joy, when not tinged with my jealousy, is as powerful and uplifting as if I’d been experiencing the object of joy firsthand. This type of joy is why you can’t help but smile at the cooing baby in the store and why giggles are contagious. :)

As communal creatures, our ability to empathize with one another, through highs and lows is what forms our sense of connection. It’s what makes us successful and strong as communities instead of fractured and failing. It’s why it feels good to give a “like” or thumbs up on social media and why it feels good to receive them too! We’re in this together and reminding ourselves of this, be it through social media or through a shared grin at the grocery store, is a way that we can build emotional resilience.

So often our news media (and our own brains) drive our attention towards negative stories of death and destruction. And while it’s important to be informed about our world, I’d argue that what we see in the news and media is not a true reflection of reality. Rather, it’s what gets our attention and sells advertising. But the truth is, none of us would be here without the cooperation and help of those around us. So what happens when we opt to turn our attention to the abundance of all the big and little joys around us?

I’ve never been very good at board games because I’m not so competitive and will usually end up cheering for everyone at the table — sometimes much to the winner’s chagrin! What a great discovery to learn that there are now cooperative board games in which everyone is working together to succeed! I find this to be such a better reflection of how the world actually works. We are in this together and it is not a zero sum game. If you win, so do I, and vice versa.

When I remember to cheer on my friends (and foes!) it means I have more chances each day for a dose of happiness. It’s easy for me to forget this and get caught up in the belief that somehow their happiness means less is available for me. But when I take the time to sit with these judgments I can see that it’s just my fear worrying that there isn’t enough to go around, or that for whatever reason, I’m not worthy of happiness. When I continue to sit with this discomfort, instead of being a cause for frustration or jealousy, the happiness of others can serve as a reminder to me that I too can be happy. It’s only thoughts that make me think something isn’t possible, we never know the future and our judging mind just thinks it does, closing doors and opportunities with each fearful proclamation that there isn’t enough happiness to go around.

Instead of being a cause for jealousy the happiness of others can be a cause for inspiration and joy.

Why not take a break from all of that judging and instead rest in the joy of our friends and those around us. The Dalai Lama is often quoted for his comments on the importance of practicing this shared joy. As he puts it, if we can be happy at the good fortune of others, our opportunities for happiness increase by 7 billion!

You can try with the practices in this guided meditation, or just by sharing a smile with the next person you see. You don’t have to sit in at a preschool or hang out with a four year old - though if you know a toddler, it may help. ;-)

May your happiness increase further and further. <3

Kindness

Growing up, we had a running joke in my family — anytime we met someone new or started with a new teacher in the fall, the first thing out of my mom’s mouth when we came home was “Are they nice?” As we’ve all matured and evolved along our spiritual paths the question has now morphed into “Are they kind?”

I love that this is where the discussion began in my family. I feel so grateful that my parents valued the measure of one’s kindness more than how well dressed or wealthy they were.

Kindness is key. I think we all know this on some level, but it’s so easy to get caught up in the news or in our own self-criticism that we often forget how important it really is.

I see this most clearly in my practice when kindness is absent. Sitting practice becomes torture, and spending time alone with my internal self-condemnation is the last thing I want to do. Seriously though, who wants to just sit there and endure a non-stop recount of all the ways they’ve messed up their life? But when I’m able to be with myself with kindness, things are different and sitting is less of a chore and more of a joy.

My journey to mindfulness practice was a little bit backwards in the sense that I did “Metta”, a loving-kindness practice, for almost six years before I ever really sat down to do “Mindfulness” practice. I’m glad for this though, because it’s meant that from early on my practice has been infused with this sense of kindness that metta fosters. And later when I began to study mindfulness more formally, things really clicked with my teacher’s insistence that mindfulness was impossible without kindness.

How can we possibly expect to be at ease in a moment of unpleasantness if we are full of internal judgment or unkind thoughts about what we are experiencing? How can we inhabit this moment completely if there is any hint of condescension in our mind, unconsciously pushing away what is here?

When we are able to approach even our internal grumpiness and crotchety-ness with a sense of curiosity and care, there is more space for that discomfort to exist. We don’t need it to disappear in order to be “good” at mindfulness. But what is key is our willingness to approach it without judgment or fear, with kind eyes and an open heart.

At its heart, kindness, just like mindfulness, is no more than a willingness to pay attention - fully and without judgment.

Think back on a time you’ve felt most loved in your life. No really, I’ll wait…

For me, the times that stand out are those when someone stopped what they were doing long enough to be with me fully, to see me in all of my glory and all of my flaws. This sense of feeling seen, not judged, but truly recognized and worth the time to stop and notice, it’s something that’s hard to articulate but is glorious to experience.

When we were little, part of the family bedtime routine included a few minutes for our parents to write down and share three compliments for each of us in regard to our behavior or actions during the day. Those nightly compliment sessions are among my most cherished memories. It didn’t matter if I had thrown a tantrum at the store or gotten in an argument with my brother, my parents would still pause and reflect on three times during the day that they noticed the good in me. They saw, and with these nightly compliments reminded me, that I was worth paying attention to, that no matter what, they loved me.

In our practice we’re not working to like every sensation or experience we have, just like my parents weren’t always thrilled with every little thing I did. And having an attitude of kindness doesn’t mean we just allow ourselves to be taken advantage of by people or by thoughts hijacking our attention. Instead, it’s more about inviting in a sense of friendliness and a willingness to stop and notice what is really happening without adding a layer of judgment.

An attitude of kindness leaves the door open for any possibility; whereas, our judgmental mind has already decided how something is and will forever be. An attitude of kindness allows for the heart to open, to whatever is here, even if we’re not thrilled about it.

It’s not always easy to adopt this attitude of kindness, especially during a “boring” or “bad” meditation that’s full of inner criticism or worry. However, the practice of “Metta,” also called “Loving-kindness,” that I mentioned above, can help us flex and strengthen our kindness muscle. The guided meditation I’ve made for today walks us through the basics of doing Metta practice, which involves repeating a set of phrases meant to engender a sense of friendliness and kindness within. Keep in mind that the intent of the practice is not to say the phrases as many times as possible, but rather, to feel into the phrases and experience what is happening when we invite the heart to extend its love. We are working to incline the mind and heart towards kindness and friendliness. The more we’re able to practice this on the cushion, the easier and more natural it becomes to do so in daily life.

I hope this practice offers you some time to rest and cultivate kindness as it has for me over the years.

Patience

Continuing on with last week’s theme of letting things be, I thought I’d share with you a bit about patience this week.

Probably one of the greatest gifts that has continued to grow with my mindfulness practice is my patience. I didn’t really ever give it much thought or appreciation until I became a mother. But now I thank my lucky stars for it many times a day.

I’ve been really lucky in my job as a stay at home mom, in that my life doesn’t involve too much of a set timeline; because I can see my patience levels drop and my stress levels increase when things are supposed to happen by a certain time. But even when we’re on a schedule, I’ve been surprised by my own patience at times. The benefits of this practice of patience are pretty sweet.

Like getting to watch my son revel in the thrill of “driving” our car as I sit patiently in the passenger seat awaiting my turn behind the wheel to drive us home from the store. Or the surprise and shared joy when I can sit back long enough to let him finish a tricky Lego set without my intrusion. Or when I’m in the middle of a work email and I stop what I’m doing to listen to my son tell me a story about his Legos. (Can you tell, we are REALLY into Legos these days?!)

But this patience didn’t just come with motherhood. No, it was something I’d been practicing for years before I even dreamed of being a mom. And practicing patience does not mean I’m just a floating angel of serenity all day. Often the still water above belies a swift current or even some deep underwater storms below the surface. My mindfulness practice though, has given me the tools to be with these storms and find a place of calmness and peace within them.

With continued mindfulness practice and loving attention, I’ve been able to cultivate the patience to live (mostly!) in harmony with my four year old. And you can too! (Well, maybe not with a toddler, but you know, you can develop more patience too.) :)

Inherent in mindfulness practice is some kind of patience. It’s not that we’re sitting there waiting for something to happen, but with each moment of awareness we’re strengthening our ability to feel easeful with whatever is happening — a calm heart amidst the storm. Trusting in this deep well of calm, safety, and peace within, we can begin to see that we are able to rest in this place as often as we like, whenever and wherever we like.

So when we come to something that we want to get over with, or that requires us to wait, it’s much easier to do so because the discomfort of waiting is something we’re now equipped to notice and experience fully, without pushing it away. Furthermore, a major learning of our practice comes in accepting, surrendering to, and allowing the unknown.

What more is impatience but a wish to leave the discomfort of the uncertain, unfinished, and unknown to speed ahead to an imaginary “better” future?

The irony of this often unconscious wish to speed ahead is that the future will always be uncertain and unknowable. That is its nature by definition. With the present moment as our only truth, zooming into the future is nothing more than a fantasy.

Patience grows as we become comfortable here, in this moment.

Our son has a book called “Waiting Is Not Easy,” and for him (and most of us) the title rings true. But what our practice can show us is that we don’t need to wait to enjoy this moment, to savor this experience. Patience blooms out of an ability to feel at ease with whatever is here. Everything is always changing, nothing is certain, and our desire to get from Point A to Point B as quickly as possible can prevent us from fully experiencing the journey there.

Living life at a four year old’s pace can be pretty rewarding if you have the patience for it. Give it a try!

Let it be

Do you ever have a thought or worry that just keeps coming back? Like, won’t leave you alone, and you wouldn’t even bother meditating because the thought feels too overpowering? How could you ever let it go long enough to really meditate?

Great news, you don’t have to let it go!

I think what gets so many of us tripped up in meditation is the idea that we need to let it go in order to be a successful meditator. I know from plenty of experience on and off the cushion that letting something go doesn’t work when that something doesn’t want to go. And to be “successful” at meditation we don’t need to clear our minds or let thoughts go - especially if they want to stick around!

So I wanted to share with you a one word switch that shifted my perspective and has given me so much more peace of mind and heart. What if instead of working to let go of thoughts or emotions during meditation we just decided to let them be?

In theory, letting go should be this effortless release. “Ahhh, I’ve let go of all of my stressful thoughts and I’m floating on a cloud of bliss ,”- said no stressed out person ever. Oftentimes when we have a thought or emotion that we’re struggling with, be it a worry or judgment, letting go of it ends up being a lot of work and fodder for more self-condemnation. It’s like when you’re trying to get rid of a little piece of tape that’s stuck to your finger, and each time you get it off of one finger it just sticks to the one next to it.

But when we change the directive from letting GO to letting BE all of a sudden there is way less work and frustration involved. Now, instead of unsuccessfully picking at that super sticky tape or replaying that regretful comment, we’re merely asked to notice what that tape or regret feels like, and how the body feels reacting to their presence.

Chances are, this may be a little uncomfortable. After all, that’s probably why we’re trying to let it go! But after we practice just being with whatever is here, just letting it be it’s terrifying, worrying, annoying, troublesome self, we can be empowered by our heart’s capacity to be with what is. As I’ve written here before, awareness has the capacity to hold anything and everything, scary or pleasing.

Often these thoughts or emotions aren’t easily let go because they’re asking for our kind attention - not our judgment or shame - but our loving attention. When we can just be with them instead of pushing them away, they often get the love they were craving and just sputter out, or the attention we give allows us to open up to a new insight about our behavior or patterns. Probably the hardest part about this practice of letting be though, is that if we approach a thought or emotion with the hope that our attention will cause it to sputter out or give us a new insight, we’re not actually just letting them BE. Instead, we’re approaching them with a conditional attention - if I pay attention to you, then will you go away?

Our job then is to really just LET. IT. BE.

Don’t worry about explaining the feeling to yourself. Don’t worry about wishing the feeling away.

We are only asked to be a loving witness to what is happening now, in this moment. It’s just like watching twigs pass by in a stream. Our job is to stay dry, watching them pass without diving in after them. We don’t need to know where they’re coming from or where they’re going. We don’t need to worry if they get caught up in a whirlpool in front of us. We just need to sit on the banks of the stream watching.

Our practice is all about our ability to rest in this moment - with whatever is here.

<3 Intentions <3

January is typically a time we set goals for the coming year. Maybe we want to save money, exercise more, meditate more :), or make some other sort of changes for self-improvement. Today though, I wanted to share a practice with you that is a little more subtle than this type of goal.

It’s a practice that comes from the idea that everything we need, we have within us already - if only we listen.

Today let’s take some time to listen to and trust in our heart’s good intentions.

This isn’t always where our mind likes to go. In fact, listening to our heart’s wishes is not something we’re really ever taught. And often negativity and hopelessness can be a powerful draw. But once we start to listen to our heart’s wishes, it’s hard to ignore them as they provide such an honest and strong guide for our actions.

Within each of us is a well of love. When we learn to listen and honor our heart’s intent, we can tap into this well and share it with the world. As we grow clearer on the heart’s intent, it becomes easier to live each day with integrity and purpose. We now have an unshakeable compass, directing us on our way, helping steer us through the challenges and lead us to the joy of even the smallest victories.

A simple practice to help us tap into our heart’s intent is to pause before we get out of bed in the morning to check in with our internal world. Here we can take a moment before starting the day to listen to the heart and see what’s fresh for us today. What do we need, how would we be best served today? With these few moments, come away with a one or two word intention for the day - be it patience, tenderness, self-compassion, kindness, whatever feels right. It need not be anything major. Now we have a touch stone that we can return to as we move through our day.

The trick in setting these types of intentions, just like in mindfulness practice, is to hold them lightly. There’s no need to judge ourselves, beat ourselves up, or get frustrated when we forget and get off track. Rather, that’s just another opportunity to honor the heart’s wish.

Intentions differ from goals in that they are less confining and less rigid. They offer us more grace. And unlike many goals which come with a timeline or stipulations attached, intentions offer us infinite opportunity to recommit, to come back.

Start small today. Maybe set an intention for your meditation - maybe to meet yourself with empathy, maybe to honor your body’s needs.

Let’s see what happens.