Befriending It All

Is it just me, or does anyone else feel like they’re on a roller coaster lately? I think even on a regular day, back before we were on lockdown, I would experience some variety of emotional highs and lows, but lately I have been feeling whiplash from my constantly shifting emotional world. One moment I’m flooded with anxiety and dread as my husband and I map out how we’d proceed should one (or both!) of us be hospitalized, the next moment I’m reveling in the glorious richness of this time together as my son is belting out a song and spinning himself dizzy with joy. And in the next moment I’m exhausted and overwhelmed at the magnitude of all of the suffering this pandemic has unleashed and revealed.

I wrote a couple of weeks ago about equanimity and how beneficial it can be at a time like this. There is a lot to be said for recognizing the non-stop wave machine we’re currently riding in order to pause long enough to check in - feel my feet on the ground and ask myself am I ok right now? These little doses of equanimous perspective seem to be offering me a much needed break, a chance to re-calibrate and catch my breath. But even more is needed these days, and always really, to find ease and peace in my day.

I’ve been remembering lately that AS important as cultivating equanimity is also the practice of meeting myself and my experience with kindness, wherever I’m at in that moment. It’s a sense of tenderness, gentleness and friendliness I’m working to adopt towards each moment. Each day before I get out of bed I’ve been pausing to reflect on an intention for myself for that day. More and more these past couple of weeks, this intention has been one of being gentle with myself, of forgiving myself if I don’t “mom” at 100% 24/7, of being understanding of myself and my family when we’re in the middle of some emotional turbulence, of letting whatever I’m feeling be ok - without needing to push the feeling down or block it out, of trusting that my heart and awareness will hold me no matter what, and of actively working to take care of myself.

Do I succeed in this each day? Not entirely.

But just in the act of setting this intention and turning my awareness onto a course of self-kindness, I end up relating to myself way more kindly and compassionately than I would have otherwise. So I’ve got that going for me, which is nice.

Sometimes when I talk to kids about mindfulness I’ll describe some of the different practices like they’re super powers. These days I can’t help but feel like I’m constantly on alert — whipping out my compassion ray and my special tension diffuser breath of love. It feels like I’m taking some sort of final exam in mindfulness — if I can make it through this minefield of anxiety, worry, uncertainty and fear, I’ll surely be able to handle anything else life throws at me.

The thing is though, life right now isn’t actually that different from any other day. The mindfulness super powers I cultivate on my sitting cushion can come into use just as frequently even when not in the middle of a pandemic; it’s just easier to be complacent about them when I’m only dealing with day-to-day inconveniences. That’s why it feels like such a gift to have this opportunity to practice like my life depends on it right now. (Trust me, I did not and would not ask for a gift like this!)

So what does it take to meet myself and all of my experience with this super power of kindness? How can I practice meeting all of this seemingly cruddy situation with friendliness and an open heart? Well, for me, a major part in being able to feel any sense of ease in this situation arises from a willingness to accept what is here and a trust that I can handle it no matter what. Both of those can seem rather daunting on even the best of days, let alone right now. But when I break it down into momentary awareness, breath by breath, I’m more able to ride the wave instead of it swallowing me.

In mindfulness we practice having a receptive, non-judgmental awareness to the present moment. That sounds like a mouthful, but in practice, it’s really just a matter of allowing. Allowing this breath to rise and fall, allowing sounds to enter and leave our hearing, allowing emotions to arise and subside, allowing physical pain to be there, to be there longer, and to change. The more we see the infinitely changing nature of reality, the easier it is to allow this moment and the next into our experience, without fear of being overtaken. This type of allowing is different from just allowing ourselves to be taken advantage of or harmed. Rather, in allowing what is here in the present moment, we release our internal resistance so that we can best respond to the situation. If it is a situation that requires action, we take it. And sometimes, the more we rest in this allowing and receptive awareness, the more we see that we don’t always need to act apart from responding with tenderness and understanding.

I can be aching with sadness and grief over the state of the world, all the while maintaining an open heart to what is here. The situation doesn’t need to be ok for me (at my essential nature) to be ok. When I am able to make friends with my reality, welcoming each new piece of experience with open hearted awareness, the struggle evaporates and I’m left with the gift of this breath, of this moment of being here now. It’s then that I can begin to see the present, no matter how challenging or painful, as a present and my mindfulness super powers shine through the strongest.

I invite you to sit with me in the guided meditation below for an opportunity to open your heart and perspective to one of allowing and receiving this moment fully.

Kindness

Growing up, we had a running joke in my family — anytime we met someone new or started with a new teacher in the fall, the first thing out of my mom’s mouth when we came home was “Are they nice?” As we’ve all matured and evolved along our spiritual paths the question has now morphed into “Are they kind?”

I love that this is where the discussion began in my family. I feel so grateful that my parents valued the measure of one’s kindness more than how well dressed or wealthy they were.

Kindness is key. I think we all know this on some level, but it’s so easy to get caught up in the news or in our own self-criticism that we often forget how important it really is.

I see this most clearly in my practice when kindness is absent. Sitting practice becomes torture, and spending time alone with my internal self-condemnation is the last thing I want to do. Seriously though, who wants to just sit there and endure a non-stop recount of all the ways they’ve messed up their life? But when I’m able to be with myself with kindness, things are different and sitting is less of a chore and more of a joy.

My journey to mindfulness practice was a little bit backwards in the sense that I did “Metta”, a loving-kindness practice, for almost six years before I ever really sat down to do “Mindfulness” practice. I’m glad for this though, because it’s meant that from early on my practice has been infused with this sense of kindness that metta fosters. And later when I began to study mindfulness more formally, things really clicked with my teacher’s insistence that mindfulness was impossible without kindness.

How can we possibly expect to be at ease in a moment of unpleasantness if we are full of internal judgment or unkind thoughts about what we are experiencing? How can we inhabit this moment completely if there is any hint of condescension in our mind, unconsciously pushing away what is here?

When we are able to approach even our internal grumpiness and crotchety-ness with a sense of curiosity and care, there is more space for that discomfort to exist. We don’t need it to disappear in order to be “good” at mindfulness. But what is key is our willingness to approach it without judgment or fear, with kind eyes and an open heart.

At its heart, kindness, just like mindfulness, is no more than a willingness to pay attention - fully and without judgment.

Think back on a time you’ve felt most loved in your life. No really, I’ll wait…

For me, the times that stand out are those when someone stopped what they were doing long enough to be with me fully, to see me in all of my glory and all of my flaws. This sense of feeling seen, not judged, but truly recognized and worth the time to stop and notice, it’s something that’s hard to articulate but is glorious to experience.

When we were little, part of the family bedtime routine included a few minutes for our parents to write down and share three compliments for each of us in regard to our behavior or actions during the day. Those nightly compliment sessions are among my most cherished memories. It didn’t matter if I had thrown a tantrum at the store or gotten in an argument with my brother, my parents would still pause and reflect on three times during the day that they noticed the good in me. They saw, and with these nightly compliments reminded me, that I was worth paying attention to, that no matter what, they loved me.

In our practice we’re not working to like every sensation or experience we have, just like my parents weren’t always thrilled with every little thing I did. And having an attitude of kindness doesn’t mean we just allow ourselves to be taken advantage of by people or by thoughts hijacking our attention. Instead, it’s more about inviting in a sense of friendliness and a willingness to stop and notice what is really happening without adding a layer of judgment.

An attitude of kindness leaves the door open for any possibility; whereas, our judgmental mind has already decided how something is and will forever be. An attitude of kindness allows for the heart to open, to whatever is here, even if we’re not thrilled about it.

It’s not always easy to adopt this attitude of kindness, especially during a “boring” or “bad” meditation that’s full of inner criticism or worry. However, the practice of “Metta,” also called “Loving-kindness,” that I mentioned above, can help us flex and strengthen our kindness muscle. The guided meditation I’ve made for today walks us through the basics of doing Metta practice, which involves repeating a set of phrases meant to engender a sense of friendliness and kindness within. Keep in mind that the intent of the practice is not to say the phrases as many times as possible, but rather, to feel into the phrases and experience what is happening when we invite the heart to extend its love. We are working to incline the mind and heart towards kindness and friendliness. The more we’re able to practice this on the cushion, the easier and more natural it becomes to do so in daily life.

I hope this practice offers you some time to rest and cultivate kindness as it has for me over the years.