Befriending It All

Is it just me, or does anyone else feel like they’re on a roller coaster lately? I think even on a regular day, back before we were on lockdown, I would experience some variety of emotional highs and lows, but lately I have been feeling whiplash from my constantly shifting emotional world. One moment I’m flooded with anxiety and dread as my husband and I map out how we’d proceed should one (or both!) of us be hospitalized, the next moment I’m reveling in the glorious richness of this time together as my son is belting out a song and spinning himself dizzy with joy. And in the next moment I’m exhausted and overwhelmed at the magnitude of all of the suffering this pandemic has unleashed and revealed.

I wrote a couple of weeks ago about equanimity and how beneficial it can be at a time like this. There is a lot to be said for recognizing the non-stop wave machine we’re currently riding in order to pause long enough to check in - feel my feet on the ground and ask myself am I ok right now? These little doses of equanimous perspective seem to be offering me a much needed break, a chance to re-calibrate and catch my breath. But even more is needed these days, and always really, to find ease and peace in my day.

I’ve been remembering lately that AS important as cultivating equanimity is also the practice of meeting myself and my experience with kindness, wherever I’m at in that moment. It’s a sense of tenderness, gentleness and friendliness I’m working to adopt towards each moment. Each day before I get out of bed I’ve been pausing to reflect on an intention for myself for that day. More and more these past couple of weeks, this intention has been one of being gentle with myself, of forgiving myself if I don’t “mom” at 100% 24/7, of being understanding of myself and my family when we’re in the middle of some emotional turbulence, of letting whatever I’m feeling be ok - without needing to push the feeling down or block it out, of trusting that my heart and awareness will hold me no matter what, and of actively working to take care of myself.

Do I succeed in this each day? Not entirely.

But just in the act of setting this intention and turning my awareness onto a course of self-kindness, I end up relating to myself way more kindly and compassionately than I would have otherwise. So I’ve got that going for me, which is nice.

Sometimes when I talk to kids about mindfulness I’ll describe some of the different practices like they’re super powers. These days I can’t help but feel like I’m constantly on alert — whipping out my compassion ray and my special tension diffuser breath of love. It feels like I’m taking some sort of final exam in mindfulness — if I can make it through this minefield of anxiety, worry, uncertainty and fear, I’ll surely be able to handle anything else life throws at me.

The thing is though, life right now isn’t actually that different from any other day. The mindfulness super powers I cultivate on my sitting cushion can come into use just as frequently even when not in the middle of a pandemic; it’s just easier to be complacent about them when I’m only dealing with day-to-day inconveniences. That’s why it feels like such a gift to have this opportunity to practice like my life depends on it right now. (Trust me, I did not and would not ask for a gift like this!)

So what does it take to meet myself and all of my experience with this super power of kindness? How can I practice meeting all of this seemingly cruddy situation with friendliness and an open heart? Well, for me, a major part in being able to feel any sense of ease in this situation arises from a willingness to accept what is here and a trust that I can handle it no matter what. Both of those can seem rather daunting on even the best of days, let alone right now. But when I break it down into momentary awareness, breath by breath, I’m more able to ride the wave instead of it swallowing me.

In mindfulness we practice having a receptive, non-judgmental awareness to the present moment. That sounds like a mouthful, but in practice, it’s really just a matter of allowing. Allowing this breath to rise and fall, allowing sounds to enter and leave our hearing, allowing emotions to arise and subside, allowing physical pain to be there, to be there longer, and to change. The more we see the infinitely changing nature of reality, the easier it is to allow this moment and the next into our experience, without fear of being overtaken. This type of allowing is different from just allowing ourselves to be taken advantage of or harmed. Rather, in allowing what is here in the present moment, we release our internal resistance so that we can best respond to the situation. If it is a situation that requires action, we take it. And sometimes, the more we rest in this allowing and receptive awareness, the more we see that we don’t always need to act apart from responding with tenderness and understanding.

I can be aching with sadness and grief over the state of the world, all the while maintaining an open heart to what is here. The situation doesn’t need to be ok for me (at my essential nature) to be ok. When I am able to make friends with my reality, welcoming each new piece of experience with open hearted awareness, the struggle evaporates and I’m left with the gift of this breath, of this moment of being here now. It’s then that I can begin to see the present, no matter how challenging or painful, as a present and my mindfulness super powers shine through the strongest.

I invite you to sit with me in the guided meditation below for an opportunity to open your heart and perspective to one of allowing and receiving this moment fully.

Facing Uncertainty

This past couple of weeks as the threat of a global pandemic has become more and more real, I’ve been aware of a tightness and uneasiness in my stomach that only shows up for me during unpleasant life events. I’ve been sitting with this feeling, at times wondering if it was just seasonal allergies coupled with an overactive imagination, but trusting that my body was trying to tell me something that I just wasn’t hearing. Finally over the weekend I got to the bottom of it. I kept hearing the refrain in my mind, “If only I knew how I was supposed to react… If only someone would tell me what to do to make things ok… If only I had some certainty…”

Ding, ding, ding! The bells went off and my stomach immediately eased up a bit. The feeling I was experiencing was one of extreme uncertainty. I felt completely ill at ease with a perceived threat to my status quo, worried that I wouldn’t know how to deal with whatever was to come. While this understanding didn’t offer me any real answers on what to do, oddly enough, it was this little glimmer of clarity into my own uncertainty that has helped me to get more comfortable with feeling uncertain. Once I could identify what was going on in me I could figure out how to compassionately respond to my fears and worries.

For weeks my husband has been suggesting I do a video and blog on equanimity, but it wasn’t until this week that I’ve felt that it’s appropriate. The way I’d been feeling was far from equanimous! Though, practices to foster an ability to find peace amidst the chaos, steadiness within the confusion, and ease within the turmoil were exactly what I was needing to be able to respond to my stomach ache of uncertainty.

Things have felt especially chaotic and uncertain lately, but the truth is that our tumultuous current events are just a reminder of what is always the case: that which is created has the nature to both arise and pass away. Everything is always changing. Like it or not, uncertainty and mutability are facts of life. Death is certain, but the when or how is a mystery. Our discomfort with the changing nature of things — which judging from my stomach, I’ve been experiencing big-time lately — is often concealed and/or alleviated by a false sense of security, a comfortable autopilot from thinking things will always be as they are. At least, that’s what our subconscious often hopes for, because it can sure be painful, unpleasant, and scary to face this reality when something threatens to upset the status quo. Why else do we stay in jobs and relationships when we’re unhappy — the discomfort of our current, known unhappiness is at least something we can count on, but the great unknown, the ‘what if,’ that can be paralyzingly terrifying!

But when I’m able to get comfortable with the idea that I don’t actually know what’s next, that no matter my efforts I can’t actually control the future, that’s where the liberating power of mindfulness practice blossoms. With this comfort with the unknown I have the freedom to just be in this moment without the unrealistic, added responsibility of controlling my future.

My only responsibility is to show up here in this moment, fully.

So this week I’ve been doing my best to embody this equanimous heart-space that comes with getting comfy with the truth of the changing nature of things. It doesn’t mean I’m indifferent to the fear, suffering and uncertainty around me; rather, I’m fully feeling it, extending my heart’s compassion as far as I can, and letting that be enough. I can unclench my stomach from the knots I’d tied up waiting for an answer that won’t be coming from anyone external anytime soon. Instead, I can rest in my own answer, the remembering that all things change — even this stomach ache.

I hope this practice meets you with balance and ease in your day.