Facing Uncertainty

This past couple of weeks as the threat of a global pandemic has become more and more real, I’ve been aware of a tightness and uneasiness in my stomach that only shows up for me during unpleasant life events. I’ve been sitting with this feeling, at times wondering if it was just seasonal allergies coupled with an overactive imagination, but trusting that my body was trying to tell me something that I just wasn’t hearing. Finally over the weekend I got to the bottom of it. I kept hearing the refrain in my mind, “If only I knew how I was supposed to react… If only someone would tell me what to do to make things ok… If only I had some certainty…”

Ding, ding, ding! The bells went off and my stomach immediately eased up a bit. The feeling I was experiencing was one of extreme uncertainty. I felt completely ill at ease with a perceived threat to my status quo, worried that I wouldn’t know how to deal with whatever was to come. While this understanding didn’t offer me any real answers on what to do, oddly enough, it was this little glimmer of clarity into my own uncertainty that has helped me to get more comfortable with feeling uncertain. Once I could identify what was going on in me I could figure out how to compassionately respond to my fears and worries.

For weeks my husband has been suggesting I do a video and blog on equanimity, but it wasn’t until this week that I’ve felt that it’s appropriate. The way I’d been feeling was far from equanimous! Though, practices to foster an ability to find peace amidst the chaos, steadiness within the confusion, and ease within the turmoil were exactly what I was needing to be able to respond to my stomach ache of uncertainty.

Things have felt especially chaotic and uncertain lately, but the truth is that our tumultuous current events are just a reminder of what is always the case: that which is created has the nature to both arise and pass away. Everything is always changing. Like it or not, uncertainty and mutability are facts of life. Death is certain, but the when or how is a mystery. Our discomfort with the changing nature of things — which judging from my stomach, I’ve been experiencing big-time lately — is often concealed and/or alleviated by a false sense of security, a comfortable autopilot from thinking things will always be as they are. At least, that’s what our subconscious often hopes for, because it can sure be painful, unpleasant, and scary to face this reality when something threatens to upset the status quo. Why else do we stay in jobs and relationships when we’re unhappy — the discomfort of our current, known unhappiness is at least something we can count on, but the great unknown, the ‘what if,’ that can be paralyzingly terrifying!

But when I’m able to get comfortable with the idea that I don’t actually know what’s next, that no matter my efforts I can’t actually control the future, that’s where the liberating power of mindfulness practice blossoms. With this comfort with the unknown I have the freedom to just be in this moment without the unrealistic, added responsibility of controlling my future.

My only responsibility is to show up here in this moment, fully.

So this week I’ve been doing my best to embody this equanimous heart-space that comes with getting comfy with the truth of the changing nature of things. It doesn’t mean I’m indifferent to the fear, suffering and uncertainty around me; rather, I’m fully feeling it, extending my heart’s compassion as far as I can, and letting that be enough. I can unclench my stomach from the knots I’d tied up waiting for an answer that won’t be coming from anyone external anytime soon. Instead, I can rest in my own answer, the remembering that all things change — even this stomach ache.

I hope this practice meets you with balance and ease in your day.