Kindness

Growing up, we had a running joke in my family — anytime we met someone new or started with a new teacher in the fall, the first thing out of my mom’s mouth when we came home was “Are they nice?” As we’ve all matured and evolved along our spiritual paths the question has now morphed into “Are they kind?”

I love that this is where the discussion began in my family. I feel so grateful that my parents valued the measure of one’s kindness more than how well dressed or wealthy they were.

Kindness is key. I think we all know this on some level, but it’s so easy to get caught up in the news or in our own self-criticism that we often forget how important it really is.

I see this most clearly in my practice when kindness is absent. Sitting practice becomes torture, and spending time alone with my internal self-condemnation is the last thing I want to do. Seriously though, who wants to just sit there and endure a non-stop recount of all the ways they’ve messed up their life? But when I’m able to be with myself with kindness, things are different and sitting is less of a chore and more of a joy.

My journey to mindfulness practice was a little bit backwards in the sense that I did “Metta”, a loving-kindness practice, for almost six years before I ever really sat down to do “Mindfulness” practice. I’m glad for this though, because it’s meant that from early on my practice has been infused with this sense of kindness that metta fosters. And later when I began to study mindfulness more formally, things really clicked with my teacher’s insistence that mindfulness was impossible without kindness.

How can we possibly expect to be at ease in a moment of unpleasantness if we are full of internal judgment or unkind thoughts about what we are experiencing? How can we inhabit this moment completely if there is any hint of condescension in our mind, unconsciously pushing away what is here?

When we are able to approach even our internal grumpiness and crotchety-ness with a sense of curiosity and care, there is more space for that discomfort to exist. We don’t need it to disappear in order to be “good” at mindfulness. But what is key is our willingness to approach it without judgment or fear, with kind eyes and an open heart.

At its heart, kindness, just like mindfulness, is no more than a willingness to pay attention - fully and without judgment.

Think back on a time you’ve felt most loved in your life. No really, I’ll wait…

For me, the times that stand out are those when someone stopped what they were doing long enough to be with me fully, to see me in all of my glory and all of my flaws. This sense of feeling seen, not judged, but truly recognized and worth the time to stop and notice, it’s something that’s hard to articulate but is glorious to experience.

When we were little, part of the family bedtime routine included a few minutes for our parents to write down and share three compliments for each of us in regard to our behavior or actions during the day. Those nightly compliment sessions are among my most cherished memories. It didn’t matter if I had thrown a tantrum at the store or gotten in an argument with my brother, my parents would still pause and reflect on three times during the day that they noticed the good in me. They saw, and with these nightly compliments reminded me, that I was worth paying attention to, that no matter what, they loved me.

In our practice we’re not working to like every sensation or experience we have, just like my parents weren’t always thrilled with every little thing I did. And having an attitude of kindness doesn’t mean we just allow ourselves to be taken advantage of by people or by thoughts hijacking our attention. Instead, it’s more about inviting in a sense of friendliness and a willingness to stop and notice what is really happening without adding a layer of judgment.

An attitude of kindness leaves the door open for any possibility; whereas, our judgmental mind has already decided how something is and will forever be. An attitude of kindness allows for the heart to open, to whatever is here, even if we’re not thrilled about it.

It’s not always easy to adopt this attitude of kindness, especially during a “boring” or “bad” meditation that’s full of inner criticism or worry. However, the practice of “Metta,” also called “Loving-kindness,” that I mentioned above, can help us flex and strengthen our kindness muscle. The guided meditation I’ve made for today walks us through the basics of doing Metta practice, which involves repeating a set of phrases meant to engender a sense of friendliness and kindness within. Keep in mind that the intent of the practice is not to say the phrases as many times as possible, but rather, to feel into the phrases and experience what is happening when we invite the heart to extend its love. We are working to incline the mind and heart towards kindness and friendliness. The more we’re able to practice this on the cushion, the easier and more natural it becomes to do so in daily life.

I hope this practice offers you some time to rest and cultivate kindness as it has for me over the years.