Anxiety

I remember when I was in about fourth grade being really worried before a field trip because I was sure that the bus would leave me behind and no one would ever find me again. This was in a time before cell phones, so the worry while far fetched, was somewhat plausible in my 10-year-old brain. I can remember lying in bed the night before the field trip with a pit in my stomach, unable to sleep. My orange tabby, Oliver, purring on my chest was the only thing that helped me calm down.

Surprise surprise, I wasn’t left behind and the field trip went smoothly. But as I got older, my worries and anxiety shifted from field trip concerns to the common fear of public speaking. Once I was so nervous before a big report about papyrus that I threw up at my carpool driver’s house before school. I got an A, but when I faced future homework assignments and reports, no amount of logic or preparation could ease my worries, and they’d only ever dissipate after the event in question.

Looking back on these memories I wish I’d had some kind of mindfulness practice to help me, and if not the practice, at least some more perspective to let my thoughts just be thoughts and not control me so. I’m sure if I’d shared the depth of my anxiety with my parents they would have helped me to better manage it - in fact, in high school they bought me my first books on meditation, and throughout my life they’ve made sure my brother and I have always had access to a great therapist if we wanted to talk. That being said, I still had so much shame surrounding my anxiety that it was enough to keep most of it bottled up with no one the wiser.

As I’ve gotten older and have cultivated a meditation practice, my worries and anxiety haven’t gone away — in fact, as a mother, they’ve probably multiplied! However, my way of responding to this kind of thinking has shifted. Instead of being embarrassed and almost afraid of my anxiety, now it’s more of an old familiar face that I can greet with an “oh you again!” On my best days I can acknowledge it with kindness and humor and get on with things without too much trouble or added stress. On harder days, I have other tools to respond to it — be it meditation, not taking it personally, or pausing to tap into my other resources and stores of calmness.

Probably the most liberating realization I’ve had from practicing mindfulness is that just because I have worries and anxious thoughts does not mean that I am a worrier or anxious person by nature and therefore always stuck in these debilitating mindstates. Just because I have a thought does not make it true, nor does it say anything about me. Instead of defining myself and judging myself for these thoughts and worries, I can see them fore what they are — unpleasant thoughts born out of fear.

Fear feeds on itself, especially on shame and judgment. So the best way to respond to it is with love. By pushing away my anxiety and judging myself for it, instead of getting rid of it I was just adding more worries to my list, “what if I never stop being worried?” “how can I expect to teach mindfulness with sweaty palms and a dry mouth?” “what if my worries come true?!”

Through my practice I’ve learned that it’s ok to just be anxious sometimes. And during those times, I’m reminded that whatever my anxieties are - even if they’re based in something real like a global pandemic - they’re just thoughts. Just because I think a thought, that doesn’t mean it’s true or will happen.

This has offered me some freedom. I don’t have to be afraid of my anxiety and I don’t have to judge myself for having it. Instead, I can just work to be with it with kindness to myself, taking care as needed and recognizing that it’s just some particularly charged thinking.

I’ve recorded the following guided meditation to provide anyone struggling with anxious thoughts, with some techniques that I’ve found helpful in my own experience. I know this would have helped me back when I was in school, so I hope you find it helpful and that you are able to find peace in your day.