Dropping Our Shoulds

For the last couple of weeks I’ve been aware of a slow creeping shoulder tension that starts on about Monday or Tuesday, around when I feel like I should be coming up with new content for this blog. Without a topic planned ahead of time I start to stress and fill my mind with possible topics and insights to share. Sometimes though, I just don’t feel so insightful, and instead I end up feeling kind of tense and uncomfortable.

Apart from caring for my son (which takes a lot of attention, patience, and presence) these days my only responsibility is one I’ve imposed upon myself, a commitment I made to myself to write a post here and record a guided meditation each week. I’m all for holding myself accountable, but the imperative, the ‘should’ I’ve shoved onto my thinking throughout the week, that’s not helpful for me in meeting my goals. (Though, in this rare instance it kind of is, because it’s led to an insight about “should” that I can share now.)

Noticing this ‘should’ in my thoughts and body tension has helped point me to other ‘shoulds’ I’ve been carrying around, specifically ‘shoulds’ I’ve been holding about my emotional state. This week, as we are at almost an entire month of being in our home together without going for more than a walk or jog — I finally feel like we’re getting into a smooth routine. As a family we seem to be working together pretty well and our day to day life is thankfully uneventful and unremarkable. However, I’ve noticed a creeping sense of guilt for feeling so happy together. I know so much suffering is taking place all around me, and by nothing more than good luck (and lots and lots of handwashing!) we’ve been spared much of that pain and challenge right now. I have a sense that I should feel more worried or that I should feel less happy about getting to spend so many lazy days with my two favorite guys, or a sense that I should be working more, or doing more than just getting through each day.

But just like last week I was working with the challenges of feeling cruddy and down because of the collective suffering of this pandemic, this week my ‘shoulds’ are creating a problem where there isn’t one — among my feelings of relative happiness and ease. Neither emotional state is a problem — but my judgement of them creates the friction and resistance. What happens when I drop the ‘should’ and just let myself feel what I feel without needing it to be more or less of anything? And in my ‘work’ of writing these blogs and recording guided meditations, what happens when I remove the imperative and just trust and allow them to come to fruition more naturally and not out of stress?

Well, for one, I feel a lot less tense when I drop the imperative. As the mental resistance I hold towards my emotions and to-do list begins to melt, so to does the physical tension that had accompanied it. With that resistance diminished, spaciousness often arises and an allowing of whatever is here suddenly feels do-able. The urgency to change or do whatever it was I thought I should gives way to a quiet, timeless quality of ease. A sense of trust comes, reminding me that whatever I feel is enough, is ok, and that whatever I do or don’t do, I am enough.

At the heart of my ‘shoulds’ is a resistance to what is, a judgmental delusion that doesn’t allow or want the present moment to be as it is mixed with a false idea that I’m somehow flawed or incomplete if I don’t do as I should. Recognizing this and softening my grip on how I think things should be makes life so much easier.

And not to fear, letting my ‘shoulds’ rest does not equate to me just sitting idly, doing nothing. Well, sometimes it does if that’s what feels like an appropriate response at the time. But really, letting my ‘shoulds’ rest creates fertile soil for me to cultivate a sense of trust to see what I want, what my heart and body desire in their deepest depths. It allows me to listen to my needs and respond accordingly without guilt or fear. And that looks different each day. Listening to my heart’s whisper may be pausing for an afternoon cup of tea, it may be a non-stop cleaning session in the kitchen, or getting silly during a ninja dance party with my son. But the common thread to all these is that someone else’s idea of productivity or success doesn’t affect my happiness or inherent value as a human. I don’t know about you, but for me, that's kind of a big deal!

I know for myself that dropping my ‘shoulds’ is not always easy. The ‘shoulds’ are not always easy to identify because they’re so often disguised as well meaning encouragement that don’t always seem like resistance or judgment. And when I do identify them, it’s easy for me to get caught in a story or view that I really ought to be following them. But the more I get to the heart of them, the easier they give way to ease and peace.

I've recorded the following guided meditation with the hope that you too can begin to identify and release some of your ‘shoulds.’ What does it feel like when you know at your core that you are enough? That no matter what you feel or do, you are ok, lovable and worthy? Because I assure you, you are!